One morning I was sitting alone in a Starbucks, eating a doughnut with a frappuccino with too much whipped cream on it (just as I liked it). I watched cars move on the street, my eyes passing over the top of my drink and onto the parking lot. Pretty soon, my mind wanders to random thoughts, and my mental direction goes to places that are usually reserved for when I’m engaged with people I enjoy talking to. Tired after finishing finals but at the same time buzzing with the energy provided by caffeine, my thoughts were allowed to roam freely, and the end result usually happen to be both unusual and surprising.
It is at times like these where I don’t understand why most people are afraid to be alone. It’s in moments like these, perhaps, when they are forced to confront themselves in conversation, that they also have to confront something in their lives that they do not want to face. Believe me, I have several parts of my life that I would not like to confront, but that does not stop me from enjoying moments like these. For others, maybe loneliness is an emotion that they feel like they must overcome by making scheduled appointments with everyone else in their life, faked enthusiasm for events they have no interest in, all in the name of trying not to be alone. Maybe they are afraid because they equate loneliness with darkness.
But in my experience, this darkness can also be a friend. It’s not always like that, sometimes this darkness can try to bury you and it can be very hard to find your way back to the light. But I’m always grateful for the moments where I can engage in moments with myself that usually cannot happen until we have dealt with our loneliness. Through this feeling, I’ve discovered so much of myself that I would not have discovered otherwise.
It was 5 years ago when I found myself staring at my phone at a contact that I both did and did not want to reach out to. I was lying in bed in my dorm room, with the only light coming from my phone shining on my face. I remember my gut clenching and my heart racing, and the small voice in my head telling me that I should just turn off my phone, and that a conversation would not end well for either one of us.
I should have listened to myself. But against my better judgement, I didn’t. I didn’t know what I was feeling, just that I wanted to be with you more than I wanted anything. In the back of my mind, I knew that I couldn’t have you, no matter how hard I tried. But I had hoped that I was wrong, that somehow, we would work out.
Continue reading “Heartbreak”
The first time Steph told me she loved me, I told her that she didn’t know what she was saying. It was too soon to say things like that, I thought, and I was afraid that she didn’t realize the full extent of what she said, or of the commitment that this implied. I told her that maybe she made a mistake, and that she didn’t really mean it. I gave her an opening to take back her words.
The next day, I told her I loved her too. I truly loved her then, and whether or not she felt the same wasn’t the problem. It was the truth for me and I had to say it. I thought she loved me, but more than that, I realized that my feelings were a small price to pay for the love that I thought I had.
Continue reading “Musings”
Sometime a few weeks ago, I woke up and realized that I couldn’t recognize who I was.
It was just how I looked in the mirror. Something had shifted internally. I then flipped over in my notebook to entries written a few months ago, and it was as if my attitude towards the world, how I formed relationships or processed emotions — it was as if I was a completely different person. It seems like I’m only now realizing how large that change was.
Continue reading “Changes”
I was a freshman in high school when my friend Barbara was accepted into a college in Canada. She took up political science, under the impression that she would pursue a law degree. She had a boyfriend here in California before she left, but they broke up because she didn’t feel like he could be faithful during a long distance relationship.
We had been close friends ever since I started high school, so we kept in touch, mostly through Facebook chat. We talked to each other about three-four times a week, and talked about everything there was to talk about. Barbara was usually buzzed, if not fully intoxicated. It was in college where she discovered her weakness for red wine, the cheapest kind with the highest alcohol concentration.
Continue reading “Getting Through the Day”
It was a Wednesday afternoon when she first messaged me, through the Tumblr messaging app. She wasn’t exactly my type, not someone I really found attractive. My friend Natalie pointed out that I should take a chance with her. I typed out a quick reply and left it at that. When I got out of my class, I had already forgotten about this interaction, and was ready to move on with my day. Little did I know, she had already written a reply back, so we kept talking. Eventually, I gave her my number, because why not. She also seemed like a decent person, which was hard to come by.
Continue reading “Love: A Tragedy”
“So you think I’m in love?”
“I didn’t say it like that. But I was just teasing.”
“Okay, seriously what do you think?”
“It’s not my place to say anything. It’s your decision at the end of the day.”
“I know, but I also want to know what you think.” Continue reading “A Conversation Between Friends”
(1 week ago)
It was around 10 pm, and I was heading over to your apartment with three different boxes of pizza sitting in the backseat. I was only headed over at the late hour because I needed to talk, and you, being the friend that you were, said yes.
“I’m about to graduate in a few months,” I say. “The main thing is, now that I’m not with my parents, I don’t know what to do afterwards.”
And I talked about my college life. And all the people that I’ve met. And how, even though all your friends say that one day you will find love, no one seems to be interested in wanting to know you romantically. And that lack of a long term relationship made that sense of loss stronger.
“I just feel so lost. It’s hard to describe, but it’s there.”
Continue reading “Life and Being Lost”
The morning started out as it normally did. I woke up early as usual, the quiet sounds of the morning chirping in the air, the day still cold. My roommate forgot to turn off her TV. I could hear the Game of Thrones theme song playing through the wall, the sound reminding me that I haven’t finished the latest season.
I stood up from my bed, my head aching from general lack of sleep. My mind was still a blur, causing my motor functions to slow down. It was so early that at first I didn’t realize that it was already the next day, and that I have a lot of work to do before the day is over. Continue reading “The First Morning I Forgot You”
The word “preppy” means different things to different people. But what image comes to mind when the word is said?
Do you think of someone who is well off, dressed in pastel colors, with gelled hair? The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes the word as “Someone who dresses or acts like a student at a prep school (such as by wearing neat, somewhat formal clothing or by using particular words and phrases)”.
Since starting college, I’ve been looking into switching up my style. After two and a half years, I felt as if I had found the style that fitted my personality. In the past year or so, I’ve described myself as being preppy, not only in terms of dress but also in the morals that I believed in. To me, being preppy meant setting yourself to a higher standard and putting yourself second, if not third. I guess I’ve always had these inner standards. It just took time for my outer self to match my inner one. Continue reading “Being Preppy”