Heartbreak

4493221-hd-wallpapers-1080p
It was 5 years ago when I found myself staring at my phone at a contact that I both did and did not want to reach out to. I was lying in bed in my dorm room, with the only light coming from my phone shining on my face. I remember my gut clenching and my heart racing, and the small voice in my head telling me that I should just turn off my phone, and that a conversation would not end well for either one of us.
I should have listened to myself. But against my better judgement, I didn’t. I didn’t know what I was feeling, just that I wanted to be with you more than I wanted anything. In the back of my mind, I knew that I couldn’t have you, no matter how hard I tried. But I had hoped that I was wrong, that somehow, we would work out.

I found myself pressing the call button. While the phone was ringing, I had this unique feeling that I didn’t own my own body, that someone else was in control. On one hand, I was waiting for her to pick up, while one the other hand I was watching myself waiting. To this day, I can still feel my heart pounding and my gut clenching.
“Hi.”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Yeah, how’s it going?”
“I have something to say to you.”
“I can’t really talk. I’m currently with someone right now.”
“Sorry. It’s just that I needed to tell you something.”
There was a long silence. I held my breath until she finally said “okay.”
My words came tripping over themselves. I hated the way I stuttered when I tried to get my thoughts out. “I know that we’re just friends, but it sometimes doesn’t feel that way, you know? And I was hoping that one day that one day you’d realize that I’d be the one to be able to make you happy. I feel like I can be the one to be able to do that.”
I couldn’t hear anything on the other end of the line. I cleared my throat and continued, “I guess what I want to say is that I hope you realize I’m better at the end of the day.” I knew that I had crossed a line that I couldn’t come back from.
I had so much more to say, but I stopped myself. There was already enough damage. I knew her answer before I started talking, I knew it before I dialed the number  on my screen.
“I can’t be thinking about this right now.” She was trying to keep her voice light. It didn’t take much to realize that she was putting on a show for the person she was with at the time. “Let’s talk about this later, alright? It’s nice to hear about your concerns for me, I really appreciate it.”
At the end of the day, there were no big realizations. There was nothing, and the silence on the other end only further humiliating me. I had put myself out there, but for what? It was pointless.
It struck me how silent a heartbreak could be. And at the same time, heart break could be so deafening to the person it was happening to.
Then, I realized something. I loved and cared for her, but that feeling wasn’t mutual to say the least. Maybe the word “love” wouldn’t be appropriate to the situation. Maybe it was just an infatuation.
I shut off my phone, closed my eyes, and attempted to get to sleep. I hoped that when I wake up everything would be better.

27 thoughts on “Heartbreak

  1. Very sad. But probably ultimately for the best. Without confronting her, you’d never have gotten to the point where you could let her go. And I bet in the end it was for your highest good. (Although I doubt it felt that way at the time.)

    Like

  2. Hi Gina – life can be desperate at times … and I’m sure that silence was for the best and you would appreciate the lack of contact – once life had returned to some form of stability. Well expressed … cheers Hilary

    Like

  3. That moment… Painful, and yet if you hadn’t made the choice to contact her, you’d have continued to fret and ponder and hope. I think sometimes it’s best to just get things out in the open and deal with the consequences.

    Like

  4. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there and express your feelings. Love… or infatuation… requires a willingness to take that risk. It may not always work out the way you want it to, but it’s much sadder to keep your feelings to yourself and never know what might have been

    Like

  5. This was heart-wrenching to read, Gina!
    Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.
    The right one will come along.

    Like

  6. Love can be the best of feelings and the worst, I hope your heartbreak heals and you can move forward to the good things to come.

    Like

  7. One way love is always so heartbreaking and something, as difficult as it is to accept, we do our best to try and move on. May the one who shall dwell equally in your heart as they dwell in yours, be a wondrous reality for you, Gina.

    In kindness,

    Gary

    Like

  8. Some endings make no sense. The harder we try to figure it out, the harder it is to get closure. It can be depressing, to comprehend that the mutual feelings once felt, has become irrelevant.

    Like

  9. I recently read a quote I really like: “A broken heart is an open heart.” David Kessler wrote that in one of his books. Your heartache is something we can all feel and relate to. I haven’t put myself out there very often like you have. It’s a brave thing to do. It’s the right thing to do, even though we know the answer. But being human and growing means being vulnerable. And vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Be proud you’re so loving and brave.

    Like

  10. It’s hard to put yourself out there knowing you can (and probably will) get rejected. I remember once time just feeling like an utter ass, saying all the wrong things, and wishing I’d not bothered. But sometimes it’s good to know it isn’t going to happen so you can move on.

    Like

  11. Man. That really hits hard. I’ve actually been on the other side of that and it only occurred to me years later what that really did the person in question. A very strong piece, indeed.

    Like

  12. It took an immense amount of courage to do that. At least it’s a small consolation that you got to express how you felt. You received an answer, even if it’s not the one you were hoping for.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Like

  13. It’s sad when one person loves somebody and the feeling isn’t reciprocated. A tough pill to swallow! But at least with that realization, there’s a chance to move on and find someone else who will reciprocate.

    Like

  14. Though it was 5 years ago, you provide the image with such heart-wrenching clarity. I hope to read that someday you healed, even if just a little bit.

    Like

  15. Ugh! Do we all have someone like this in our lives? it appears so… But! Trust the universe, it knows better than us… you will find who you’re meant to when the time is right.

    Like

  16. Heartbreak stinks. I have made similar phone calls in my life. And though I first wished I didn’t make them and felt humiliated- I realized if I hadn’t made the call I would always wonder. The calls also helped me to move on each time- though it did take time. Sending hugs. 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s